My Dearest Candy Mafia,
I’ll just jump into this post! Today I needed a massive mental break from it all so my husband, baby and I decided to do what normal families do and go for an afternoon stroll by the beach, maybe get some ice cream and do a little mindless shopping. We packed the giant stroller, the baby gear, elmo and a cooler with bottles, baby tylenol, puffs & pepper spray and finally, we we’re on our way after 25 minutes of just packing to leave the house. We arrived and everyone was happy, we bought too many boxes of girl scout cookies from LA troop #209, people told us our kid was cute, we had ice cream cones, held hands and it was pure fa-la-la-laing down the street. I suddenly see a Verizon store and tell my husband I wanna go inside and check out the new phones and just like that our Sunday stroll became slightly AWKWARD.. There before us a giant life size poster of my Ex Boyfriend ( the Actor slash Male Model from New York City who I actually now think is a male Gigolo) posing in Verizon’s latest ad! I said to my husband, “No Freakin’ Way! That’s XXXX ( I’m leaving out his name because #1, it’s the right thing to do and #2, if he ever googles himself, I would never want him to think he was cool enough to be featured on this incredibly awesome & popular blog!!!) Let’s just say his name rhymes with Crobar. I say to my husband ” That’s Crobar, Dang this Poster’s HUGE, he must have landed a national campaign with Verizon and clearly he’s getting Botox and Dying his hair these days!” Back in the day, people used to tell Crobar that he looked liked Denzel Washington and he swore they were separated at birth. For a second my husband had that weird, territorial, guy thing going on and had a slightly uncomfortable look on his face and I said, “Babe, I’m so glad you married me, you’re so much cuter and you have a really professional job, you’re the best dad ever and our daughter is gorgeous and amazing like YOU!” I obviously went into crisis mode and overkilled it on the compliments a little.. Any way, It worked! Instantaneously, my husbands weird look was gone and I said, I gotta snap a pic with my phone, this is great material for my blog.. He said, ( Think Deep New York Voice & Accent) ” Whattaya Gonna Say?” I said, who knows- something brilliant & funny!” And just like that our sorta awkward sunday stroll was restored to it’s sweet self and my husband reminded me to “be nice” when I blogged and now as I type I am the incredibly awkward one as I stare at my husband who’s sitting on the couch and totally in a trance watching the latest Cheezy Latina Beauty Contest where every single contestant is even skinnier, big boobier and more gorgeouser than the next. Miss Venezuela, Miss Puerto Rico, Miss Mexico, Miss Brazil! I wish you all fall on your asses or trip in your 6 inch hooker stilettos right now! Ugh!! Karma’s such a bitch! I shoulda’ just ignored the damn poster and kept my mouth shut! Let me go pull out my thigh master from under the bed, I’m sure it’s covered in dust and cob webs? Night..